Why We Recreate Our Old Relationships

Image by Rafael Garcin

Meaning is always contextual and contingent upon our relationship to our environment. Therefore, our first attempt at making meaning occurs within the family. We do this reflexively, unconsciously, unintentionally, but we still do it. 

Every family represents the Garden of Eden for the children that are born into them. It is the place that one must be expelled from necessarily, and the place that one always longs to return to. The meaning of home is deeply embedded in individuals. It is like the spine of a book or a picture frame. People can tell stories and create artwork, but only within the framework that is initially provided by these early experiences.

That is why the dynamics of romantic relationships often resemble the dynamics contained within relationships with early caregivers. The similarity comes out of a desire to keep alive the connection to the past. This connection is more powerful because it is formed at a time when an individual is wholly dependent on others physically and emotionally. Any meaning that is made under those circumstances becomes associated with one’s very survival.

Which is why we want to return to the metaphorical garden, even when there is nothing growing inside. Even when the garden is on fire. It is still the only home we have ever known, and it is more familiar, and still more safe than the uncertainty that awaits outside of it. 

Existence precedes essence, but so does meaning. Therefore one’s essence is to a certain degree influenced by these primary relationships.